He was that guy

I have always loved with a selfish love. The kind of love where my happiness comes first instead of for the both of us. The kind of love which suffocates the other just because I want something to only what I want and not what we both want. That desperate love that screams “love me, and me only” which gives the other party no room to breathe or nothing else to love.

To be honest, I have never loved one person at a time. For me, it’s always between the current guy and that guy. You know, that guy who is always at the back of your mind. The one you always think of unconsciously during the day or a second before you fall asleep. That guy whom you have different scenarios playing in your head, “What if I hadn’t met the current guy? Would there still be any chances of me going back to him?” Yeah. That guy. The one who got away. It can also be the one you set free.

I am a firm believer of each one of us having soulmates meant for us. Different kinds of soulmates. Platonic soulmates, romantic soulmates, all these different feelings you have for other people there is going to be that someone in each feeling that is meant to be your soulmate. I have called someone my soulmate once and to be honest, when I look at it now, he wasn’t really all that. The ‘connection’ I thought I had with him was purely because I was dating him. When we broke up the connection was gone the minute I moved on.

The point of my writing here is that I have found my soulmate a long time ago. I didn’t realize it because we were just friends and what did a fourteen-year-old Erin know about soulmate other than all these hypes about the perfectly-happily-ever-after relationship that seem to be nonexistent as you age? But I was still connected to him in everything I do. The books I read. The movies I watched. The food I ate. The clothes I wore. The places I went to. He was that guy. That guy at the back of my mind, whose house I always look at when I pass by his street, whose name is ingrained deep inside of me, and whose eyes I can never forget. He was that guy. The guy I learned to love selflessly, whose happiness I put first because the only thing that matters in the world is for him to be happy. He was the guy.